Top Story –
Two Belgian bankrobbers are named the Darwin Award winners of the year after killing themselves while trying to crack open a cash machine. The pair used so much dynamite that they managed to destroy the entire bank building – and themselves with it. Wendy Northcutt, the founder of the annual awards, declared them the 2009 winners of the Darwin Awards, given to those doing the most to improve the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
John Terry affair gagging order released –
The British High Court has lifted a press silencing order preventing the public from learning details about England Captain John Terry’s alleged affair with a team-mate’s girlfriend. The ‘super-injunction’ was originally granted by a High Court judge under human rights laws but was lifted today. Chelsea captain Terry claimed that exposing his alleged infidelity would be a breach of his right to a ‘private and family life’. John Terry
The car in front… still won’t slow down –
Toyota is now recalling up to 1.8 million cars across Europe following an accelerator problem. The car maker will recall eight models including the Yaris, the Corolla (the biggest selling car ever – see list below) and the RAV4 sports utility vehicle. Last week it recalled 2.3 million cars in the US with faulty pedals.
Mais oui – the G-spot does exist –
French researchers have disagreed with English researchers at King’s College London who announced on New Years Day that the G-spot is a fallacy and does not exist. But French doctors the “G-Day” conference in Paris insist the G spot – supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings – is far from a myth. “The English study is barking up the wrong tree,” said Sylvain Mimoun, France’s best-known gynaecologist.
Dog survives 24km trip on ice –
A dog stranded on an ice floe that had drifted 24km out to sea was rescued by the crew of a research boat off the coast of Gdynia in Poland. He is being called Baltic after the ship while a search is launched for his owners.
Australians puzzled as Queen reclaims ‘head of state’ title –
Buckingham Palace has raised eyebrows in Australia by referring to the Queen as the country’s “head of state” in an apparent break in convention. The title is usually given to the Australian Governor-General, Quentin Bryce, while the Queen is considered the country’s sovereign.
The difference is significant as the emerging role of the Governor-General has often been cited by pro-monarchists as evidence Australia does not need to become a republic. The trigger for the confusion was an announcement by Buckingham Palace that the Queen would be addressing the UN General Assembly in July. It arrived in a cable written by Gary Quinlan, Australia’s ambassador and permanent representative to the UN, headed: “United Nations: General Assembly – Address by Australian Head of State.” [Daily Telegraph] Her Majesty the Queen
Camera dropped in the ocean is returned by fisherman 18 months later –
A woman is to be reunited with a camera her husband dropped off the edge of the QM2 cruise ship after a fisherman caught it in his net and put the photographs online. Barbara and Dennis Gregory, 65, from Johannesburg, South Africa, thought they would never see the Nikon P90 again after it fell into the ocean en-route from New York to Southampton in 2008. But 16 months later Benito Estevez, a fisherman from Spain, found the camera in his nets with the photos still intact on the memory card. He decided to trace the owners and posted five pictures online which showed Mrs Gregory posing on the deck of the ship and her husband wearing a woolly tourist hat from Oxford. The story was picked up by the British media and Laura De Klein, a friend of the couple who lives in Chalgrove, Oxfordshire, recognised them and got in touch. [Daily Telegraph]
Chilean mint spells country’s name wrong on coins –
The general manager of the Chilean mint has been fired after thousands of coins were issued bearing a howling error. On the 2008 batch of 50 peso coins, which are worth about 6p, the country’s name was misspelt. Instead of C-H-I-L-E, the coins had C-H-I-I-E stamped on them, the BBC reports.
If that wasn’t bad enough, no one noticed the spelling mistake until late 2009. The coins have since become collectors’ items and the mint says it has no plans to take them out of circulation. Locals have even been hoarding the coins in the hope they will rise in value. However, the mistake has cost the mint’s general manager, Gregorio Iniguez, and several other employees, their jobs. [Daily Telegraph]
Cruise ship runs aground and capsizes –
A 290m (950ft) long cruise ship, the Costa Concordia with about 4,000 passengers and crew on board runs aground and capsizes near the island of Giglio off the coast of Italy. Passengers were enjoying their first dinner on board after leaving Civitavecchia port near Rome for a Mediterranean cruise. Early reports are of 8 people being lost but helicopters are still evacuating people. The Costa Concordia
Warner hits 5th fastest test century –
Australian left-hander batsman David Warner hits the 5th fastest test century in the first day of the test against India. He reached his second test century in just 69 balls. Faster test centuries are:
Viv Richards, West Indies v England, St John’s 1986 – 56 balls
Adam Gilchrist, Australia v England, Perth 2006 – 57 balls
Jack Gregory, Australia v South Africa, Johannesburg 1921 -67 balls
Shivnarine Chanderpaul, West Indies v Australia, Georgetown 2003 – 69 balls
David Warner, Australia v India, Perth 2012 – 69 balls David Warner CLICK TO SEE MORE STUFF FROM THIS DAY…
Star Wars character names posted by director –
The names of characters in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” to be released in December 2015 have been revealed in a mocked-up set of trading cards. John Boyega will be Finn, Oscar Isaac is Poe Dameron and Daisy Ridley’s character is called Rey. Director JJ Abrams confirmed the names via some old school trading cards, in reference to when the Star Wars films were first released in the 1970s. Oscar Issac
World’s longest ship launched –
Shanghai-based marine-shipping company China Shipping Container Lines has launched the world’s largest container ship, the “CSCL Globe”. The ship is more than 400m (1,312ft or a quarter of a mile) long, 56.8m (186ft) wide, 73m (240ft) high and 186,000 tonnes gross. The ship, which is longer than four football pitches, is making its maiden voyage from Shanghai to Europe. The CSCL Globe
Marriage proposal fail –
A Dutchman’s attempt at a romantic wedding proposal using a mobile crane has resulted in the crane falling over and smashing into a neighbour’s roof. The man had rented a crane in the central town of Ijsselstein to descend in front of his girlfriend’s bedroom window, play her a song and ask her to marry him. Despite the disaster in which no-one was hurt, his girlfriend agreed to marry him.
Pope avoids Dalai Lama meeting –
Pope Francis will not meet the exiled Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama because of the “delicate situation” with China, according to the Vatican. The Dalai Lama fled to India in 1959 after Chinese troops crushed an attempted uprising in Tibet and China describes him as a separatist. The Vatican does not want to jeopardise improving relations between itself and China. Pope Francis
51,000-tonne ship deliberately grounded –
A car transporter ship, the Hoegh Osaka, was deliberately grounded by its captain and the pilot in the Solent after it began to list, its owners have said. The ship developed problems after it left Southampton dock and to avoid it capsizing in the shipping lane and risk the lives of the crew, it was steered onto the Bramble sand bank. The ship is now listing at more than 50 degrees and a salvage operation is expected to take several days. Phil Taylor
Phil Taylor loses power in darts final –
Gary Anderson beats 16 time world champion Phil “The Power” Taylor in the final of the PDC World Darts Championship 7 sets to 6 at Alexandra Palace in London. Nicknamed The Flying Scotsman it is Anderson’s first World Championship.
Breaking Bad not so fictional –
Seizures of methamphetamine has risen at the US-Mexico border with a 300 percent increase in meth seizures at California ports of entry from 2009 to 2014. Meth seized by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection’s San Diego field office accounted for nearly 63 percent of all the meth seized at all ports of entry nationwide in the year ending September 30 2014.
Costa Concordia captain convicted of manslaughter –
The captain of the Costa Cordordia cruise ship that ran aground and capsized on January 13th 2012 off the island of Giglio has been convicted of manslaughter and given a 16-year jail sentance. Francesco Schettino was accused of taking the ship too close to the shore to impress his lover, Domnica Cemortan, who was with him at the helm. He then abandoned the ship with passengers and crew still on board. 32 people died in the accident but Costa Crociere, the company that owned the ship, avoided possible criminal charges by agreeing to pay a $1.3m (€1.1m; £860,000) fine in 2013. The Costa Concordia after the accident
Korean Air nut rage ends with jail sentence –
A South Korean court finds Cho Hyun-ah (aka Heather Cho) a former executive of Korean Air guilty of breaking aviation law. She forced her Seoul-bound plane to turn back to the gate at JFK airport in New York and offload a steward because she did not like the way she had been served nuts. Cho, the daughter of Korean Air president, was found guilty of obstructing aviation safety and jailed for one year, much less than the possible maximum sentence of 10-years.
Smoking in private cars with child passengers banned in England –
The British government votes 342 to 74 to ban smoking in cars when there are children in the vehicle in England and Wales, but doesn’t apply to convertibles with the roof down. Anyone stopped for breaking the law can be fined £50 on the spot when it becomes law in October 2015 but Scotland is not included. Bans on smoking in cars when children are present already exist in some US states as well as in parts of Canada and Australia.
Gisele Bundchen Shares Throwback Photo in Honor of Last Runway Show –
The 34-year-old model will hang up her catwalking shoes after she struts her stuff during São Paulo Fashion Week tonight, walking for Brazilian street label Colcci, a brand she has represented since 2005. Before she takes the runway for the last time, Bündchen shared a sweet throwback photo to her Instagram account from her very first show. [Celebuzz.com] Gisele Bunchen (Instagram – giseleofficial)
Unpaid spaceport workers appeal to Vladimir Putin with giant graffiti –
Construction workers at a £9 billion cosmodrome in eastern Russian have resorted to extreme measures to appeal to Vladimir Putin after going four months without pay. Employees of TMK at the Vostochny spaceport were so exasperated at failing to receive their money that they painted a message to the Russian president in huge white letters on top of their construction huts. The giant letters read, “Dear Putin, V.V.”, “Save the workers”, “Four months without pay” and “We want to work”. [Daily Telegraph]
Record dive rescues $50m wartime silver from ocean floor –
A British-led team has recovered a $50m (£34m; €47m) trove of silver coins that has lain on the seabed since the steamship carrying them from Bombay to England was sunk in 1942. The SS City of Cairo was torpedoed 772km (480 miles) south of St Helena by a German U-boat and sank to 5,150m. The 100 tonnes of coins, recovered in the deepest salvage operation in history, belonged to HM Treasury. The coins have now been melted down in the UK and sold, with the undisclosed sum divided between the treasury – which technically owns the coins – and the salvagers, who take a percentage of the sale. The salvage was completed in September 2013, but DOS has only now been given permission by the Ministry of Transport to announce it. [BBC]
Video of the Day –
HDD and Floppy Music: Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit –
American Airlines planes grounded by iPad app error –
A faulty app caused American Airlines to ground dozens of its jets on Tuesday. The glitch caused iPad software, used by the planes’ pilots and co-pilots to view flight plans, to stop working. The firm’s cockpits went “paperless” in 2013 to save its staff having to lug heavy paperwork on board. AA estimated the move would save it more than $1.2m (£422,770) in fuel every year. The company said that it was still investigating the cause of the problem. “Some American Airlines flights experienced an issue with a software application on pilot iPads yesterday evening,” a spokesman told the BBC. “In some cases, the flight had to return to the gate to access a wi-fi connection to fix the issue. [BBC]
Russian spacecraft Progress M-27M ‘out of control’ –
A Russian spacecraft delivering supplies to the International Space Station (ISS) is out of control and will fall back to Earth, officials say. The unmanned cargo ship was launched from Kazakhstan on Tuesday, but contact was lost with it soon afterwards. Russia’s space agency says Progress M-27M is now orbiting in an uncontrolled spin. It cannot reach the ISS and is likely to break up on re-entering Earth’s atmosphere. [BBC]
Sam Smith best new artist at BET Awards as Nicki Minaj wins rap prize –
Sam Smith has won best new artist at this year’s BET Awards in LA. He wasn’t at the Black Entertainment Television ceremony, so the prize was picked up for him by actor Anthony Anderson. Nicki Minaj, who won her sixth best female hip-hop artist award in a row, brought her mum onstage. Rapping on top of a police car with a large American flag waving behind him, hip-hop star Kendrick Lamar kicked off the BET Awards. He later won best male hip-hop artist. Janet Jackson was honoured with the ultimate icon award as she made a rare public appearance. [BBC Newsbeat] See List of the Day below Nicki Minaj
SpaceX Rocket Falls Apart on Way to Space Station –
An unmanned cargo ship destined for the International Space Station disintegrated minutes after being launched from the Cape Canaveral Air Force Station in Florida on Sunday morning, NASA said, raising questions about how the agency and its partners will continue keeping the station supplied. It was the third loss of a cargo ship headed to the space station in the past eight months. However, NASA officials said they had prepared for such a mishap, and do not anticipate any major disruptions to the operations of the space station. The countdown had proceeded without a hitch or worries about weather, and the 208-foot-tall Falcon 9 rocket, built by Space Exploration Technologies, better known as SpaceX, lifted off at 10:21 a.m. But 2 minutes, 19 seconds later, just as George Diller, the commentator during a NASA television broadcast said, “Data coming back shows vehicle on course, on track,” a white cloud emerged from the rocket’s midsection. Moments later, a rain of debris started falling toward the Atlantic Ocean more than 20 miles below. [NY Times] See Video of the Day
Greek debt crisis: Banks to remain shut all week –
The Greek government has confirmed that banks will be closed all week, after a decision by the European Central Bank not to extend emergency funding. In a decree, it cited the “extremely urgent” need to protect the financial system due to the lack of liquidity. Cash withdrawals will be limited to €60 (£42; $66) a day for this period, the decree says. Talks between Greece and the eurozone countries over bailout terms ended without an agreement on Saturday, and Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras then called a surprise referendum on the issue to be held on 5 July. Greece risks default and moving closer to a possible exit from the 19-member eurozone. [BBC]
Video of the Day –
SpaceX Falcon 9 Explosion – June 28th 2015
List of the Day –
Black Entertainment Television Awards 2015 winners
Ultimate Icon, Music Dance Visual Award: Janet Jackson Humanitarian Award: Tom Joyner Best New Artist: Sam Smith Best Female Hip-Hop Artist: Nicki Minaj Best Male Hip-Hop Artist: Kendrick Lamar Best Female R&B/Pop Artist: Beyoncé Best Male R&B/Pop Artist: Chris Brown Best International Act UK: Stormzy Best International Act Africa: Stonebwoy Best Group: Rae Sremmurd Best Collaboration: Common & John Legend, “Glory” Best Actress: Taraji P. Henson Best Actor: Terrence Howard Youngstars Award: Mo’ne Davis Best Movie: Selma Best Gospel Artist: Lecrae Video of the Year: Beyoncé, “7/11” Video Director of the Year: Beyoncé, Ed Burke & Todd Tourso Sportswoman of the Year: Serena Williams Sportsman of the Year: Stephen Curry Coca-Cola Viewers’ Choice Award: Nicki Minaj f/ Drake, Lil’ Wayne & Chris Brown, “Only” Centric Award: The Weeknd, “Earned It” Fandemonium Award: Chris Brown Lifetime Achievement Award: Smokey Robinson
Actor Nicolas Cage returns stolen dinosaur skull he bought –
Hollywood actor Nicolas Cage has agreed to turn over a rare stolen dinosaur skull he bought for $276,000 to U.S. authorities so it can be returned to the Mongolian government. The office of Preet Bharara, the U.S. attorney in Manhattan, filed a civil forfeiture complaint last week to take possession of the Tyrannosaurus bataar skull, which will be repatriated to Mongolia. The lawsuit did not specifically name Cage as the owner, but Cage’s publicist confirmed that the actor bought the skull in March 2007 from a Beverly Hills gallery, I.M. Chait. The “National Treasure” actor is not accused of wrongdoing, and authorities said he voluntarily agreed to turn over the skull after learning of the circumstances. Cage outbid fellow movie star Leonardo DiCaprio for the skull, according to prior news reports. [Reuters] Nicolas_Cage
SpaceX succeeds in historic rocket launch and landing –
SpaceX successfully landed its powerful Falcon 9 rocket late on Monday night for the first time, a major milestone in the drive to cut costs and waste by making rockets as reusable as planes. Its engines burning bright orange against the dark night sky, the Falcon 9 made a graceful arc back to Earth and touched down upright at Cape Canaveral, Florida, minutes after launching a payload of satellites to orbit, video images showed. “I still can’t quite believe it,” Musk said in a teleconference after the landing. “I think this is a revolutionary moment. No one has ever brought an orbital class booster back intact.” Previous attempts to land the Falcon 9’s first stage on a floating ocean platform have failed – with the rocket either colliding with the autonomous drone ship or tipping over. [Daily Telegraph] In June 2015 a SpaceX rocket carrying cargo to the International Space Station exploded minutes after take-off. See Video of the Day Elon Musk
Video of the Day –
Historic Landing of Falcon 9 First Stage at Landing Zone 1
American actor Nicolas Cage agrees to return to Mongolia a stolen dinosaur skull he bought in 2007 for $276,000. Cage says he was unaware the skull had entered the country illegally. (Reuters)(USA Today)
Sport Relief: Shearer beats Savage in 57-hour five-a-side epic –
Alan Shearer’s team have beaten Robbie Savage’s squad by 18 goals in a 57-hour five-a-side game for Sport Relief. Shearer, who captained the Match of the Day team, beat Savage, who led the BBC 5 live team with 547 goals to 529. More than 1,100 people played in the snow and rain outside BBC MediaCityUK in Salford since 09:15 on Thursday, raising £370,592 for Sport Relief. All-time Premier League top goal-scorer Shearer was presented his winning trophy by Gary Lineker. After scoring in extra time of the last game, Shearer said the challenge had tired him out. “My back, my thighs, my knees – they’re all in bits but it was all worth it.” The 57-hour duration of the match was chosen because it is the equivalent of a Premier League club’s entire season. The Premier League is matching all of the public’s donations up to a maximum of £500,000. The money will go towards helping disadvantaged people in the UK and overseas. [BBC] Alan Shearer
Email inventor Ray Tomlinson dies at 74 –
Internet pioneer Ray Tomlinson, who is credited with the invention of email, has died at the age of 74. The US computer programmer came up with the idea of electronic messages that could be sent from one network to another in 1971. His invention included the ground-breaking use of the @ symbol in email addresses, which is now standard. Tomlinson died of an apparent heart attack on Saturday, according to reports. He sent what is now regarded as the first email while working in Boston as an engineer for research company Bolt, Beranek and Newman. [BBC] Ray Tomlinson in 2004
Bruce Springsteen signs late note for schoolboy –
As excuse notes go, it is a step up from the “dog ate my homework”. But not all teachers would be impressed with a letter explaining a nine-year-old’s late arrival in class was down to being at a rock concert the night before. So Xabi Glovsky had it signed by Bruce Springsteen. He went to the concert in Los Angeles with his father, Scott, a life-long fan of the Boss. They went armed with a homemade sign. “Bruce, I will be late to school tomorrow. Please sign my note :-)” it said. At the end of the three-and-a-half-hour show, and well after Xabi’s bedtime, Springsteen sent a security guard into the crowd at the Los Angeles Sports Centre to invite father and son backstage. He asked Xabi for the name and spelling of his teacher, before whipping out pen and paper for the note. It read: “Dear Ms. Jackson, Xabi has been out very late rocking & rolling. Please excuse him if he is tardy.” [Daily Telegraph] Bruce Springsteen
Six Nations 2016: England win Grand Slam with France victory –
England have their first Grand Slam in 13 years after holding out to secure a historic victory in Paris. First-half tries from Danny Care and Dan Cole had given them a five-point half-time lead, only for the relentless penalty precision of Maxime Machenaud to keep France within touching distance. But a third try in three matches from Anthony Watson calmed rising nerves before a brace of late penalties from Owen Farrell allowed the travelling support to sing their heroes home. It marks a remarkable turnaround for new head coach Eddie Jones, coming just six months after the humiliation of a home World Cup exit at the group stages before he took control. [BBC] See List of the Day
Flydubai Boeing 737-800 Flight FZ981, en route from Dubai for about four hours, crashes during landing in the Russian city of Rostov-on-Don, killing all 62 on board. It appears the jet crashed in poor visibility, some 50–100 meters left of the runway, during the second approach. Rostov-on-Don Airport will remain closed until at least 9:00 am Moscow time. (RT)(Airways News)(Reuters)
Europe’s largest floating solar farm to open –
The biggest floating solar farm in Europe is being constructed on a reservoir. More than 23,000 solar photovoltaic panels are being laid on the surface of the Queen Elizabeth II reservoir near Walton-on-Thames, Surrey. The farm, which will be the size of eight football pitches, is expected to generate 5.8 million kilowatt hours of electricity in a year. The energy will be used to part power a nearby water treatment works. Thames Water said construction of the solar farm, which is about eight miles (13 km) from Heathrow airport, will be completed by the end of March. The floating pontoon will be 57,500 sq m in size. [BBC]
The United States Food and Drug Administration announces it has relaxed its official requirements regarding the use of the abortion drug Mifeprex (RU-486). The current guidelines were based on 1990s medical evidence. Changes include reducing the number of physician visits required by abortion-seeking women, reducing drug dosage, and allowing women to take the drug for three weeks longer — now a total of 70 days. (UPI)
Mexico City, facing the capital’s worst air-quality crisis in over a decade, issues a temporary order that all cars remain idle one day a week. Today, authorities report a pollution index of 108 (bad) after low readings during Holy Week. Vehicles will also be forced from the roads one Saturday a month. The measure will begin next Tuesday, April 5, and run until Thursday, June 30, 2016. Starting July 1, improved technology will be in place at smog-check centers where all vehicles must be tested every six months. (AP via Fox News)
A Larnaca, Cyprus, court orders that 59-year-old Seif Eddin Mustafa, who was arrested by Cypriot police yesterday, remain in local police custody for eight days to assist Cyprus’s own investigation. Mustafa faces charges of hijacking, illegal possession of explosives, kidnapping, and threats to commit violence. It’s unclear if Mustafa had any explosives; the bomb belt he wore was fake, and officials are waiting for testing results on unidentified liquids found among his possessions. (AP via The Daily Courier)
The opposition plans to generate a recall referendum that would ask voters if President Maduro should be removed from office. The Constitution states a recall referendum can be held once the president has served half of his six-year term (Maduro became President on April 19, 2013) and at least 20 percent of registered voters sign the petition. (UPI²)
Ronnie Corbett, best known for The Two Ronnies, dies aged 85 –
Entertainer Ronnie Corbett, best known for BBC comedy sketch show The Two Ronnies, has died aged 85. His publicist said: “Ronnie Corbett CBE, one of the nation’s best-loved entertainers, passed away this morning, surrounded by his loving family. “They have asked that their privacy is respected at this very sad time.” Corbett was one of the UK’s best-loved comedians and along with Ronnie Barker, their double act was one of the most successful of the 1970s and ’80s. [BBC] See Video and List of the Day Ronnie Corbett in 2010
Video of the Day –
The Two Ronnies. Four Candles
List of the Day –
Ronnie Corbett’s best jokes
A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?’
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.
For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: “Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!”. And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.
This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.
French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.
West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.
We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
Today is our anniversary. It’s just 12 years ago today when she said “I do”. It certainly surprised me, because I didn’t think she did.
That was the night when I leapt onto the dancefloor and did my rather racy impression of John Travolta. I suppose it must have been the animal in me. Well, I had a ferret down my trousers.
This new controller thinks I am the funniest man in Britain. He’s been told to stay in bed and take things easy for a while.
I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn’t a sale at Allied Carpets.
This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.
Since the last joke, I’d like to thank all those of you who have written in with suggestions about what I can do with my act, one or two of you with diagrams.
Offers of work have been flooding in. Last week I was invited to go on a round-the-world cruise. By the chairman of the Flat Earth Society.
This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: “Do you want me to be funny?” They said: “No, just be yourself.”
A Malaysian court dismisses Malaysia Airlines’s bid to throw out a lawsuit filed by relatives of three people who went missing on Flight 370. The company argued that the disappearance of MH370 on March 8, 2014, occurred before the company came into existence as Malaysia Airlines Berhad (MAB) on September 1, 2015, and therefore has no liability to relatives. The court ruled MAB’s liability would be determined in a trial. (UPI)(Malay Mail)