Top Stories – Not like clockwork –
A Swiss millionaire is given a record speeding fine of $290,000 (£180,000) after he caught driving a red Ferrari at 137km/h (85mph) through a village. The penalty based on the unnamed motorist’s wealth – assessed by the court as $22.7m (£14.1m) – and because he was a repeat offender.
New Brand for Perry –
It’s revealed that Russell Brand and Katy Perry got engaged when on holiday in India. Katy Perry and Russell Brand
Top Stories – That’s a lot of chocolate –
Despite a campaign by the Daily Mail to “Keep Cadbury British”, the confectionery company finally accepted a takeover bid from Craft food in a deal worth $19 billion.
More than a wee dram, then –
Adults in Scotland are drinking the equivalent of 46 bottles of vodka each in a year, a study has suggested. The research based on industry sales data and analysed by NHS Health Scotland showed an average of 12.2 litres of pure alcohol per person over the age of 18.
Top Stories – Entente non-concordial –
The Chinese Foreign Ministry has reacted to criticism of China in a speech on Internet censorship made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, calling on the United States government “to respect the truth and to stop using the so-called Internet freedom question to level baseless accusations.”
One very big step for a man –
50 years since the American Joe Kittinger made the highest skydive by leaping from a balloon at 102,800ft, Austrian Felix Baumgartner, who is famous for stunts such as jumping off the Petronas Towers, plans to jump from a balloon sent up to 120,000 ft (37km) later this year. Red Bull will sponsor the attempt. Felix Baumgartner
Top Video –
Joe Kittinger’s record breaking skydive
Top Stories – Chinese football bribe allegations –
According to the Oriental Morning Post, a bribe of 200,000 yuan (£18,000) could get a Chinese footballer a call-up to play for his country in an international match. The allegations come weeks after the head of the Chinese Football Association and two other officials were sacked and questioned by police over match-fixing.
Google gets social –
Google launches ‘Social Search’, which allows those users who are logged into a Google account to call up photos or other information from their friends on their social networks which are relevant to their search query.
Most expensive racetrack opens –
The Meydan racehorse track in Dubai today hosts its first race today a Group Three event worth £74,000 to the winner as its feature event. The biggest and most expensive track in history has taken 34 months and at least $1.25bn to build and was paid for by the ruler of Dubai Sheikh Mohammed.
Calvin Klein says Kate Moss was ‘difficult’ –
Klein, recalling the time he cast Moss and Mark Wahlberg in a series of advertisements in the Eighties, says she was, while “a great model,” a “difficult” person to work with. “It didn’t go too well. She didn’t like him at all. I have worked with so many women, great ones, and Kate was always difficult.” (See Video of the Day and List of The Day) [Daily Telegraph] Kate Moss with photographer Mario Testino
Sarah Palin caught with crib notes on her hand –
Sarah Palin mocked President Barack Obama as ‘a charismatic guy with a Teleprompter’ during a speech only to be photographed with crib notes written on the palm of her hand. A close examination of the former vice-presidential candidate speaking at the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville at the weekend revealed she had the words “Energy”, “Tax,” and “Lift Americans Spirits” scrawled in ink on the inside of her left hand.
“Budget cuts” was written and then crossed out. She surreptitiously glanced at the words during a question and answer session afterwards when she was asked what should be the top three things a Republican majority in Congress would focus on. [Daily Telegraph] Sarah Palin
Consumers ‘unconvinced’ by Apple iPad, study shows –
The number of people who are not interested in buying an Apple iPad has increased after the tablet’s unveiling, according to shopping website Retrevo. Just over a quarter of those questioned ahead of the Apple event last month said they had heard that Apple might launch a tablet-style computer, but were not interested in buying one. That figure increased from 26 per cent to 52 per cent in the days following the unveiling last month. And the number of people saying they would definitely buy an Apple iPad increased by just two per cent, from three per cent before the announcement to five per cent after the tablet computer had been unveiled. The number of shoppers who were undecided remained almost the same before and after the announcement, up from 18 per cent who said they might buy one, to 19 per cent. [Daily Telegraph] Steve Jobs with the iPad
Mother Teresa to be made a saint in September –
Pope Francis has announced that Mother Teresa will be elevated to sainthood on 4 September, months after he approved a second miracle for the late nun and Nobel prize winner who was known as the “Saint of the Gutters”. The canonisation of Mother Teresa, who was hailed for her work with impoverished and dying people living in the slums of Kolkata, India, has been highly anticipated by supporters, and will be a highlight of the church’s jubilee year of mercy. More than 300,000 pilgrims went to Rome in 2003 for Teresa’s beatification – the first step towards sainthood. The Vatican said in a short statement on Friday that the Argentinian pontiff had approved the second miracle – the final hurdle to make her a saint – in which a Brazilian man was said to have been cured of multiple brain tumours in 2008 following the nun’s intercession. [Guardian] Mother Teresa in 1986
California homeless man receives $100,000 for spotting fugitives –
A homeless man from San Francisco is to be given a reward of $100,000 (£71,000) for helping police recapture two prison inmates who had escaped. Matthew Hay-Chapman had seen photographs of the two fugitives on the news and spotted them in a stolen van. They had broken out of Orange County Jail six days earlier, sparking a state-wide manhunt. The full $150,000 (£106,000) reward was split between four people, with Mr Hay Chapman getting the largest share. Mr Hay-Chapman spotted the fugitives in the stolen van next to a market in San Francisco and alerted officers in the area. [BBC]
The European Union suspends direct financial aid to Burundi after concluding that the Burundian authorities had not done enough to find a political solution to the ongoing conflict occurring in the country.(The Guardian)
Argentina‘s coastguard says it has sunk a Chinese fishing trawler that was operating illegally within its territorial waters. The coastguard says it rescued four of the trawler’s crew while others who abandoned ship were picked up by another Chinese vessel shadowing the pursuit. (Reuters via Yahoo! News)
Ronnie Corbett, best known for The Two Ronnies, dies aged 85 –
Entertainer Ronnie Corbett, best known for BBC comedy sketch show The Two Ronnies, has died aged 85. His publicist said: “Ronnie Corbett CBE, one of the nation’s best-loved entertainers, passed away this morning, surrounded by his loving family. “They have asked that their privacy is respected at this very sad time.” Corbett was one of the UK’s best-loved comedians and along with Ronnie Barker, their double act was one of the most successful of the 1970s and ’80s. [BBC] See Video and List of the Day Ronnie Corbett in 2010
Video of the Day –
The Two Ronnies. Four Candles
List of the Day –
Ronnie Corbett’s best jokes
A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?’
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.
For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: “Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!”. And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.
This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.
French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.
West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.
We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
Today is our anniversary. It’s just 12 years ago today when she said “I do”. It certainly surprised me, because I didn’t think she did.
That was the night when I leapt onto the dancefloor and did my rather racy impression of John Travolta. I suppose it must have been the animal in me. Well, I had a ferret down my trousers.
This new controller thinks I am the funniest man in Britain. He’s been told to stay in bed and take things easy for a while.
I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn’t a sale at Allied Carpets.
This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.
Since the last joke, I’d like to thank all those of you who have written in with suggestions about what I can do with my act, one or two of you with diagrams.
Offers of work have been flooding in. Last week I was invited to go on a round-the-world cruise. By the chairman of the Flat Earth Society.
This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: “Do you want me to be funny?” They said: “No, just be yourself.”
A Malaysian court dismisses Malaysia Airlines’s bid to throw out a lawsuit filed by relatives of three people who went missing on Flight 370. The company argued that the disappearance of MH370 on March 8, 2014, occurred before the company came into existence as Malaysia Airlines Berhad (MAB) on September 1, 2015, and therefore has no liability to relatives. The court ruled MAB’s liability would be determined in a trial. (UPI)(Malay Mail)
Fifa: Sepp Blatter, Jerome Valcke & Markus Kattner ‘awarded themselves £55m’ –
Former high-ranking Fifa officials Sepp Blatter, Jerome Valcke and Markus Kattner awarded themselves pay rises and bonuses worth $80m (£55m) over five years, say Fifa lawyers. Football’s governing body revealed the contracts of ex-president Blatter, fired ex-secretary general Valcke and sacked former finance director Kattner one day after a Swiss police raid. Fifa’s lawyers said there was evidence that the trio made “a coordinated effort” to “enrich themselves” between 2011 and 2015. Documents and electronic data were seized from Kattner’s old office during Thursday’s operation, which relates to investigations into Blatter and Valcke, according to sources close to Fifa’s internal investigation. [BBC] Jérôme_Valcke
Hillary Clinton picks up six out of seven pledged delegates in the V.I. caucus. (AP via ABC News)
Science and technology
Scientists report, in the AHA journal Stroke, that a small trial of stroke victims showed significant improvement following injection of stem cells directly into their brains. The study had been designed just to test whether the highly experimental therapy was safe. Such treatments were available in China for many years but treatment results were very inconclusive. (Tech Insider)(Stroke)
Danny Willett wins the 2016 Masters –
While Jordan Spieth attempted to make history today, Danny Willett stole the spotlight. With a final-round, 5-under-par 67, Willett became the first Englishman in 20 years to win the Masters Tournament. Willett, 28, finished at 5-under-par 283. He defeated Spieth and Lee Westwood (69) by three shots. Spieth bogeyed Nos. 10 and 11. Then, he hit his tee shot at the par-3 12th into the bank, his ball rolling back into the water. Spieth then chunked his third shot into the water and his fifth into the back bunker. He got up and down from there for a quadruple-bogey 7. With Spieth’s meltdown, Willett birdied Nos. 14 to move to 4-under. He rolled in a seven-foot birdie putt at No. 16 to get to 5-under. Then, he saved par at No. 17 after hitting his second shot just off the green. Willett made par at No. 18 to finish with a 3-under-par 33 total on the back nine. He joins Nick Faldo as the only two Englishmen to ever win the Masters. [Augusta.com] Danny Willett
Video of the Day –
2CELLOS – Whole Lotta Love vs. Beethoven 5th Symphony
Suspected Shining Path rebels kill three people, two of them Peruvian Army soldiers and the other a driver, in an attack on a vehicle carrying election materials in the remote areas of the country. (BBC)
British Prime MinisterDavid Cameron releases his tax records in an effort to remove discussion about his personal wealth from the current political discourse. His initial reluctance to admit he had benefited from his late father’s offshore Panama Papers holdings still seems to be affecting the upcoming European Union referendum. Unfortunately for the PM, the main Sunday newspapers in the U.K. tell of a gift of 200,000 pounds ($282,500) from his mother in 2011, suggesting it may have been a way of avoiding inheritance tax. (Reuters)