Top Stories – Talk to your TV –
Web-based phone company Skype agrees a deal with LG and Panasonic for them to embed the Skype technology in television models with Internet connections, and will sell separate Web cameras that have built-in microphones for TV viewers who want to use Skype.
Time to join the gym (again) –
About 5,000 members of website BeautifulPeople.com – the networking site for attractive individuals – have been placed back in the “rating” section for putting on weight over Christmas. The United States has the most members who got kicked out (1,520), followed by the U.K. (832) and Canada (533). Top Video –
Top Story – Bad lip syncing –
Two Chinese pop singers face fines of up to $12,000 (£7,400) for allegedly miming at a concert. Miming was banned in China after a girl was revealed to have lip-synced at the 2008 Beijing Olympics opening ceremony.
Eastenders is 30 –
Eastenders the UK soap set in the fictional London Borough of Walford in the East End of London is 30 years old today. Based around the pub The Queen Vic the character with the most appearances is Phil Mitchell (played by Steve McFadden) with 2,525 episodes out of the 5,018 transmitted followed by Ian Beale (Adam Woodyatt) who has been in it since the first episode. The Queen Victoria pub
Niagara falls freezes –
Parts of the Niagara Falls freeze over after a fourth winter storm in a month blew through the area. One of the coldest winters on the US eastern seaboard has seen people in Boston jumping into snowdrifts in their underwear. Niagara Falls CLICK TO SEE MORE STUFF FROM THIS DAY…
7 Dead as Fighter Jet Crashes Into Highway at British Airshow –
A fighter jet taking part in a British airshow on Saturday crashed into a highway, killing seven people. The crash took place at the Shoreham Airshow in West Sussex, on England’s southern coast, at 1:20 p.m. Video footage showed the jet soar, loop and then plunge before it could complete a second loop. It crashed into a busy road, the A27, near the airfield where the show took place. Hours after the crash, the police had no comment about the pilot’s fate. Beyond the fatalities, one person was seriously hurt and 14 others had minor injuries, according to a statement from the Sussex Police. [NY Times]
Facebook and Instagram remove Project Harpoon page –
Facebook, Tumblr and Instagram have taken down the pages run by Project Harpoon. The internet movement sees people digitally edit pictures of women to make them appear thinner.
Now if you try to look at Project Harpoon on these social media sites, you are met with an error message. The online group started on Reddit, in a thread called Thinner Beauty which says it is not about “hate” but wants to provide people with “health goals”. [BBC Newsbeat]
Rugby World Cup 2015 Opening Day celebrated with Google Doodle –
Google has marked the start of the 2015 Rugby World Cup with a special doodle. In the doodle, the “G” of Google is transformed into an animated rugby player running through the rain with a rugby ball under his arm.
According to Matt Cruickshank, who designed the doodle, it is intended to celebrate “the girth and gracefulness of the 2015 World Cup players”. “Having grown up playing rugby in England, I can still feel the muddy squelch in my boots lining up on the pitch for lessons,” he said. “After a few concepts I concentrated on the vice like grip of an arm around the ball and how this could be used as a ‘G’. I even added rain for the full effect.” [Daily Telegraph]
Obama to nominate first openly gay service secretary to lead the Army –
President Obama, in a historic first for the Pentagon, has chosen to nominate Eric Fanning to lead the Army, a move that would make him the first openly gay civilian secretary of one of the military services. Fanning, 47, has been a specialist on national security issues for more than two decades and has played a key role overseeing some of the Pentagon’s biggest shipbuilding and fighter jet programs. Fanning’s nomination, which must go to the Senate for confirmation, reflects a major shift for the Pentagon, which only four years ago prevented openly gay troops from serving in the military. The policy didn’t extend to civilian leaders, such as Fanning. [Washington Post] Eric Fanning
Video of the Day –
1 Question That Reveals a Narcissist: “The Science of Us” Episode 9
Governor of ArizonaDoug Ducey states that 21-year-old Leslie Allen Merritt Jr. is ballistically linked to four incidents and arrested in Glendale, Arizona after a SWAT raid. Merritt was previously charged twice in 2013, the first for failing to stop at the scene of a damaged vehicle, and the second for assault and criminal damage. Police state that he is known to hold anti-government and anti-police views. He is charged with four counts each of aggravated assault, criminal damage, disorderly conduct, discharging a firearm within city limits, carrying out a drive-by shooting, and intentional acts of terrorism; and his bail is set at $1 million. (ABC15), (KOB), (HEAVY), (ABC News), (Q13FOX), (AZ Central), (CNN), (Yahoo News), (NBC News)
Kentucky pet store worker nearly crushed to death by python –
A man working at a Kentucky pet store has been seriously hurt after a massive python he was feeding nearly crushed him to death. Police said they were called to Captive Born Reptiles and found the snake wrapped around the man. Terry Wilkens was not breathing when the officers pried the snake off him but he resumed breathing shortly afterwards, officers said. The python weighed about 125lb (56kg) and measured 20ft (6m) long. “It was only by the grace of God that one of the officers knew how to deal with snakes,” Newport Kentucky Police Chief Tom Collins told the Cincinnati Enquirer. Officer Gregory Ripberger grabbed the snake by its head and uncurled the python from Mr Wilkens. [BBC] Jungle Carpet python
Instagram says @music is just the start for music on the app –
The boss of Instagram has said “it’s just a matter of time before music becomes even more dominant” on the app. Kevin Systrom’s social media site has just turned five. But he told Newsbeat: “We never knew music would take off in the way it did but now 25% of our top [most followed] accounts are music related”. In April, Instagram launched @music, which Kevin explained set out to “feature off-the-beaten path, hard-to-find accounts.” [BBC Newsbeat]
Author jailed for flashing after prostitute disputes small penis claims –
A serial flasher has been jailed after a woman appeared in court and gave a detailed description of his penis. Hinton Sheryn, 68, had denied he would get his penis out in public – because he was embarrassed it was “unusually small”. But officers managed to find a prostitute he used who came to court at the last minute and contested his claims. The female sex worker described his manhood and told Plymouth Crown Court it was a “normal” size. Her late intervention helped convict the successful author, who has now been jailed for 17 years after being convicted of 18 crimes. The former pop promoter was so notorious for exposing himself in the village near Plymouth, Devon, where he lived in the 1970s and 1980s he was known as “the flasher”. [Daily Telegraph]
Video of the Day –
The New Microsoft Band: Live Healthier and Achieve More
Russia says it would consider extending its air-strikes against Islamic State militants in Syria to Iraq if it receives such a request from the Iraqi government. Iraqi President, Fuad Masum has recently said he would welcome this assistance. (Reuters)
Thirteen people are reported to have died during this storm, 11 in South Carolina and two in North Carolina. At least 18 dams have breached or failed since Saturday. Communities downstream face a mass of water working its way toward the low-lying coast. (CNN)
Blatter faces 90-day suspension from FIFA, confidant says –
FIFA president Sepp Blatter faces an imminent 90 day suspension from soccer if the governing body’s ethics judge backs a prosecutor’s recommendation, a close friend and former advisor to Blatter told Reuters on Wednesday. Blatter’s long-term confidant Klaus Stoehlker said the decision by judge Hans-Joachim Eckert on the provisional suspension was expected by Friday. “There is no final decision, this is a recommendation from the lower part of the Ethics Committee to the upper part,” said Stoehlker, who added that Blatter had been informed of the development. [Reuters] In July FIFA turned down a request for Blatter to attend a U.S. Senate Panel Hearing Sepp Blatter
Twitter launches Moments feature for ‘the day’s biggest and best stories’ –
Twitter’s launched a new feature called Moments to make it easier to see the day’s biggest and best stories. It works by grouping together interesting and important tweets on single subjects – which you can then read, even if you don’t follow the people tweeting them. Moments will appear in a special tab rather than on your timeline. It’s hoped this will appeal to people who find Twitter too confusing to start with. The Moments tab will be divided into sections including news, sports and entertainment. For now, it’s only being rolled out in America but will be heading to Europe soon. [BBC Newsbeat]
The Great British Bake Off 2015: the final – Nadiya crowned winner –
So the smallest baker had the biggest smile. In the final of The Great British Bake-Off (BBC One), 4ft 11in Nadiya Hussain’s face lit up with victory. It would have taken a hard-hearted viewer not to grin at her win too. After 10 weeks of fiendish challenges – popping dough into proving drawers, peering anxiously into ovens and wincing as tough-to-please judges poked at their pastry – just three of the original 12 contenders remained, their eyes on the title of Britain’s best amateur baker. Nadiya became the third consecutive female winner of that glass cake-stand trophy. It was a victory for women, for multicultural Britain and for brilliant baking. [Daily Telegraph] See Top Twitter Trends and List of the Day
Retired wrestler Hiroshi Hase appointed to Japanese cabinet by PM Shinzo Abe –
Shinzo Abe, the Japanese prime minister, has appointed a former television announcer and a retired wrestler who went by the ring name Viet Cong Express #1 to his new cabinet. Mr Abe retained around half his ministers in the first reshuffle of portfolios since he won the general election in December, but also has one eye on elections for the upper house of the Japanese parliament next summer. Hiroshi Hase, 54, was appointed minister of education, culture, sports, science and technology and the challenge of “education rebuilding”.
Video of the Day –
Honest Trailers – Aladdin
List of the Day –
Great British Bake Off Innuendos 2015
“The wobble should be like me backside” – Sandy on her crème brûlée (2015, episode 4)
“Stand away from your hot baps!” – Mel and Sue
“One crack bad, two cracks better” – Mel Giedroyc to Ugne about her Madeira cake (2015, episode 1)
“You have got two hours to pop Mary’s cherry” – Sue (the second half of the quote was “in the oven”)
“The terror of a soggy bottom has been keeping me up all night” – Season four finalist Kimberley
“Go on Mary, give it a good slapping” – Paul Hollywood
“Time to stop fiddling with Charlotte now” – Sue Perkins
“Oh no, you have some irregular-shaped balls” – Mary Berry
“He loves his buns”- Mary Berry, on Paul Hollywood
United States PresidentBarack Obama telephoned MSF International President Joanne Liu to apologize for the U.S. bombing of the hospital in Afghanistan, express his condolences for the 22 people killed, commit to provide a transparent, thorough, and objective accounting of the facts and circumstances of the incident, and implement any changes to make tragedies like this one less likely to occur in the future.(Reuters)(Washington Post)
‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Crushes Presale Ticket Records –
Fan demand led to crash of multiple websites like Fandango and MovieTickets.com. “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” broke the record for the highest number of first-day presale tickets for Fandango, AMC and IMAX. According to Fandango, the site has sold eight times as many tickets as it did on the first day for the previous record holder, “The Hunger Games” in 2012 — and that’s even before the 24-hour mark was reached. “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” in 2010 slipped to third place in first-day advance sales. Traffic on Fandango surged to seven times the site’s typical peak levels, a site spokesperson reported. Similarly, MovieTickets.com reported that the online ticketer saw traffic “three times higher than the highest peak in the company’s 15 plus year history.” Comparably, the advance ticket sales for “The Force Awakens” are already four times greater than advance tickets sold for “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.” [The Wrap] See Video of the Day
Fed-up cafe bans money from underwear –
In this tough economic climate, small business owners need every dollar they can get their hands on. Unless said dollar comes from a customer’s undies, apparently. Staff at a Carnarvon cafe were so fed up with patrons paying with money retrieved from undergarments they put the attached sign at the cash register for a six-week period. Fascine Coffee Lounge owner Robin Weeks said the straw that broke the camel’s back was a man who tried to pay his bill with money from his jocks. “My son thought people shouldn’t put money there and he shouldn’t have to touch it,” Weeks said. “We had four or five people that did it. A lot of women think their bra is the best place for their money because they don’t have pockets.” Weeks said while most people approved of the sign, there were some who refused to change their ways. [Western Australian] Fascine Coffee Lounge sign
At least three Russian troops fighting along side the Syrian Army are reportedly killed after a shell hit their position in the coastal province of Latakia. If confirmed, the deaths would be the first Russian military casualties since intervening in the civil war in September. (Reuters)
Taliban forces advance on Lashkar Gah, the capital of Helmand Province in southern Afghanistan, amid fierce fighting with government forces that threatens to cut off a major highway and has prompted many families to flee. (Reuters)
Lamar Odom, who had been hospitalized in grave condition after ingesting, in a binge, herbal Viagra, alcohol, and other substances in a 3-day, $75,000 stay at a legal brothel in Nevada, comes out of his coma, improves, and is able to have conversations, though he is still on dialysis to deal with the renal damage he suffered. He is released from intensive care and Sunrise Hospital, to a hospital closer to his Los Angeles home. (MSN via Sporting News)
News from Wikipedia – please support this valuable resource
Jeremy Clarkson threatened with three years in jail as Argentina reopens Falklands row probe –
Jeremy Clarkson’s hopes of putting the infamous Top Gear Falklands row behind him were dashed last night after a court probe was reopened in Argentina. A judge in the southern city of Ushuaia had thwarted attempts to have the former BBC presenter charged with falsification in April after the controversial number-plate on the Porsche he drove was swapped ahead of a riot. But state prosecutors appealed Maria Cristina Barrionuevo’s decision not to press ahead with a full-scale criminal investigation against Clarkson and his ex-Top Gear team. Last night the probe was back on – and Clarkson and programme chiefs facing a worst case scenario of three years in prison – after three appeal judges sided with prosecutors and ordered Barrionuevo to reactivate the case. [Daily Telegraph] In March 2015 Russia’s army TV channel issued an offer to Jeremy Clarkson to present a motoring show, noting his interest in tanks, aircraft carriers and other hardware. Jeremy Clarkson
Ed Sheeran ‘quits’ social media –
Singer Ed Sheeran has announced he is “taking a break” from social media as he is “seeing the world through a screen and not my eyes”. Writing on his Instagram account, the singer explained he was “taking the opportunity of not having to be anywhere… to travel the world”. He also confirmed to fans that his third album is “on its way” and “is the best thing I have made thus far”. Sheeran has 16 million Twitter and 5.5 million Instagram followers. He has just completed a world tour of his number one album x (pronounced “multiply”) in Auckland, New Zealand. Before the final show, he also tweeted that he was “buggering off for a while”. [BBC] Ed Sheeran
UFC 194: Conor McGregor knocks out Jose Aldo after 13 seconds –
Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo after just 13 seconds at UFC 194 to win the featherweight title in Las Vegas. Irishman McGregor, 27, beat the long-time champion by landing a strong left hand with his first connecting punch to secure the fastest ever knockout in a UFC title fight. McGregor claimed in the build up to the fight that he would “embarrass” Aldo with a first-round knockout. “Precision beats power, timing beats speed,” McGregor said afterwards. “I feel for Jose. He’s a phenomenal champion. He deserved to go a little bit longer.” It was also Brazilian Aldo’s first defeat in 10 years after winning 18 straight fights. [BBC] Conor McGregor
Video of the Day –
Tiny Hamster Agility Course – Dumptruck Vs Porkchop
The U.S. State Department issues a travel advisory for Burundi and advises its citizens there to leave as soon as possible due to the increased violence in the capital Bujumbura where 87 people were killed this weekend. Families of U.S. government personnel and non-emergency personnel have been ordered to leave immediately. (UPI)(US State)
While voters in Central African Republic cast their ballots in a constitutional referendum aimed at ending years of sectarian strife, clashes erupt in the capital Bangui’s PK5 Muslim neighborhood, killing at least two and injuring over 20. PK5 residents, visited by Pope Francis two weeks ago, marched to the U.N. headquarters in the country to complain they were unable to cast their ballots. The proposed constitution would limit a president to two terms, add an upper house to go along with the National Assembly, and fight institutional corruption. (France24)(Reuters)(Al Jazeera)
Russia may nuke asteroids –
The European Commission funded Russian scientists to develop plans to save the world from rogue asteroids by blowing them up with nuclear weapons. Scientists from the Russia’s top space research institute teamed up with missile and rocket engineers to look at ways of sending a warhead into space under a European Commission funded program called NEOShield. “Work was distributed among various participants from different countries and organisations, and work on deflecting dangerous space objects with nuclear explosions was conducted by Russia” between 2012 and 2015, the Central Scientific Research Institute of Machine Building, part of the Russian space agency Roscosmos, said in a press release on Saturday. [Daily Telegraph]
The winners for the Critics’ Choice Awards 2016
BEST PICTURE: Spotlight
BEST ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant
BEST ACTRESS: Brie Larson – Room
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Sylvester Stallone – Creed
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl
BEST YOUNG ACTOR/ACTRESS: Jacob Tremblay – Room
BEST ACTING ENSEMBLE: Spotlight
BEST DIRECTOR: George Miller – Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy – Spotlight
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Charles Randolph and Adam McKay – The Big Short
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: The Revenant – Emmanuel Lubezki
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: Mad Max: Fury Road – Colin Gibson
BEST EDITING: Mad Max: Fury Road – Margaret Sixel
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Mad Max: Fury Road – Jenny Beavan
BEST HAIR & MAKEUP: Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: Inside Out
BEST ACTION MOVIE: Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST ACTOR IN AN ACTION MOVIE: Tom Hardy – Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST ACTRESS IN AN ACTION MOVIE: Charlize Theron – Mad Max: Fury Road
BEST COMEDY: The Big Short
BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY: Christian Bale – The Big Short
BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY: Amy Schumer – Trainwreck
BEST SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE: Ex Machina
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Son of Saul
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Amy
BEST SONG: Furious 7 – “See You Again”
BEST SCORE: The Hateful Eight – Ennio Morricone
North Korea claims to invent ‘alcohol which doesn’t give you hangover’ –
They already claim to have cured cancer, Aids and Ebola with a miracle drug produced from ginseng root.
Now North Korean scientists seem to have scaled new heights of greatness with their latest invention – a special blend of liquor which doesn’t give you a hangover. According to the state-controlled newspaper Pyongyang Times, the drink also relies on ginseng root for its medicinal qualities and has been hailed as a “national scientific and technological hit.” The recipe replaces sugar with burnt rice, supposedly eliminating the liquor’s bitter taste along with any risks of a hangover. The drink “is suave and causes no hangovers”, claimed the Pyongyang Times piece, which was entitled: “Liquor wins quality medal for preserving national smack.” It is the latest in a string of outlandish claims made by North Korea’s state media, which once congratulated its supreme commander for learning to drive at the age of three. [Daily Telegraph]
Twitter down in global outage –
Twitter went offline on Tuesday morning for users of both its website and mobile apps. Visitors to the social network were met with a “Something is technically wrong” message on a blue background. Twitter’s status page said: “Some users are currently experiencing problems accessing Twitter. We are aware of the issue and are working towards a resolution.” “Something is technically wrong,” a notice on the Twitter website said. “Thanks for noticing – we’re going to fix it up and have things back to normal soon.” At around 10am service resumed as usual, although was down again shortly before midday and at various times over Tuesday afternoon. [Daily Telegraph] The social network later said an “internal code change” had led to the problem, which lasted six hours 10 minutes. “We reverted the change, which fixed the issue,” it added. Twitter error page
Earth, Wind & Fire soul band founder Maurice White dies –
The founder of soul group Earth, Wind & Fire, Maurice White, has died in the US, his brother has said. White, 74, died in his sleep in Los Angeles on Thursday morning. He suffered from Parkinson’s Disease. His band had a series of hits including September, Boogie Wonderland, Shining Star and After the Love has Gone. The singer-songwriter was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 1992 but his condition was reported to have got worse in recent months. [BBC] Maruice White 1982
Black tarantula named after Johnny Cash –
A new species of black tarantula that lives near Folsom Prison, California, has been named after Johnny Cash. The famously black-clad country singer wrote a song about the prison, and also played a historic series of concerts for inmates there in the 1960s. Aphonopelma johnnycashi is among 14 new tarantula species from the southern US which have been described by biologists in the journal ZooKeys. As part of his PhD research at Auburn University in Alabama, Chris Hamilton carefully whittled that down to 29. He eliminated a lot of double-counting, but also defined 14 species that were entirely new to science. “It’s a perfect name. It fits the spider – it’s found around Folsom and the males are predominantly all black, so it fits his image. “I have a Johnny Cash tattoo so I was very happy that it worked out that way.” [BBC] The cover art for the album At Folsom Prison by the artist Johnny Cash. Copyright Columbia Pictures
Queen’s pigeon rescued after fleeing royal loft –
Animal welfare officers who rescued a lost pigeon in East Lothian were surprised to discover it had a royal owner – the Queen. The Scottish SPCA was called when the exhausted bird was spotted at Traprain Terrace in Haddington on February 2. Staff traced it back to its owner and the racing pigeon has now been returned to the royal loft 407 miles away at Sandringham estate in Norfolk. The charity’s animal rescue officer Connie O’Neill said: “I’ve rescued many pigeons during my career with the Scottish SPCA but this was certainly a first for me. “We were able to identity where the pigeon had come from using the ring number on its leg and arrangements were made for it to be collected.” [Daily Telegraph]
Islamic State hackers take aim at Facebook’s Zuckerberg and Twitter’s Dorsey –
Islamic State has released a new video featuring photographs of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg riddled with digitally added bullet holes and mocking the social media websites’ attempts to block terrorist content from their platforms. Hackers known as the Sons Caliphate Army, the self-styled hacking division of Islamic State, uploaded a video on Tuesday entitled “Flames of the Supporters” in which the group challenges the efforts of Facebook and Twitter to shut down its digital operations. The video begins displays screen grabs of some of the 10,000 Facebook accounts, 150 Facebook groups and 5,000 Twitter profiles the terrorist group claims to control. It takes aim at the recent campaigns by the two social media websites to take down accounts controlled or connected to the terrorist group and used to spread their message. [Daily Telegraph]
A series of shootings in and near the American town of Hesston, Kansas, results in at least four deaths, including the shooter, at an Excel Industries building, with up to 20 people injured. The shooter is Cedric Ford, a convicted felon. (KWCH)(USA Today), (KAKE)
Paris St-Germain score 9 as they win French title –
Paris St-Germain were crowned French champions with two months to spare as Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored four in a 9-0 demolition of bottom side Troyes. Edinson Cavani, Javier Pastore and Adrien Rabiot put them 3-0 up inside 19 minutes before Ibrahimovic struck three within 10 minutes in the second half. Matthieu Saunier scored an own goal and Cavani made it 8-0 before Ibrahimovic added his fourth. [BBC]
Paris St-Germain won the league with 62 days and eight games to spare, a record for any of Europe’s ‘big five’ domestic leagues.
In 115 appearances in Ligue 1, Zlatan Ibrahimovic now has 102 goals and 35 assists.
This win was the sixth time this season that PSG have scored four goals or more in a Ligue 1 game.
This title is PSG’s sixth overall and their fourth in a row
Ronnie Corbett, best known for The Two Ronnies, dies aged 85 –
Entertainer Ronnie Corbett, best known for BBC comedy sketch show The Two Ronnies, has died aged 85. His publicist said: “Ronnie Corbett CBE, one of the nation’s best-loved entertainers, passed away this morning, surrounded by his loving family. “They have asked that their privacy is respected at this very sad time.” Corbett was one of the UK’s best-loved comedians and along with Ronnie Barker, their double act was one of the most successful of the 1970s and ’80s. [BBC] See Video and List of the Day Ronnie Corbett in 2010
Video of the Day –
The Two Ronnies. Four Candles
List of the Day –
Ronnie Corbett’s best jokes
A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. ‘When did you last have a smoke?’ she asks. ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, ‘When did you last have a drink?’ He said, ‘Five years ago.’ So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, ‘And when was the last time you played around?’ He looks at her in amazement and says: ‘You’re not telling me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there?’
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my right hand.
For some time, my wife’s had this ridiculous idea that I’m playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11.30 last night. She suddenly shouted at me: “Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!”. And I’ll be honest, it frightened the life out of me. I mean, you don’t expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time of night.
This is a message for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served three days ago.
French wine growers fear that this year’s vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders’ sit-in.
West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the chief constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.
We’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.
We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.
A grandfather has gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gherkins. His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a fortnight.
Today is our anniversary. It’s just 12 years ago today when she said “I do”. It certainly surprised me, because I didn’t think she did.
That was the night when I leapt onto the dancefloor and did my rather racy impression of John Travolta. I suppose it must have been the animal in me. Well, I had a ferret down my trousers.
This new controller thinks I am the funniest man in Britain. He’s been told to stay in bed and take things easy for a while.
I remember that day clearly, because it was the one day there wasn’t a sale at Allied Carpets.
This joke dates back to 256 BC which, as scholars of ancient Egypt will know, was the year of the famous wildcat strike by the amalgamated union of eunuchs and allied sopranos, in a dispute over severance pay.
Since the last joke, I’d like to thank all those of you who have written in with suggestions about what I can do with my act, one or two of you with diagrams.
Offers of work have been flooding in. Last week I was invited to go on a round-the-world cruise. By the chairman of the Flat Earth Society.
This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech. I said: “Do you want me to be funny?” They said: “No, just be yourself.”
A Malaysian court dismisses Malaysia Airlines’s bid to throw out a lawsuit filed by relatives of three people who went missing on Flight 370. The company argued that the disappearance of MH370 on March 8, 2014, occurred before the company came into existence as Malaysia Airlines Berhad (MAB) on September 1, 2015, and therefore has no liability to relatives. The court ruled MAB’s liability would be determined in a trial. (UPI)(Malay Mail)
Samsung patents design for ‘smart’ augmented reality contact lenses –
Samsung has filed a patent on ‘smart’ contact lenses, which can project images straight into the users’ eyes. Wearing the lenses would allow users to experience ‘augmented’ reality, with computer-generated images superimposed over the real world. As Samsung blog SamMobile reveals, the South Korean patent shows a drawing of the lens, which is fitted with a miniscule display, camera and antenna. It’s also fitted with a number of sensors that can detect eye movement and blinking, which is how users would control the display. Since the device is so small, it’s designed to connect to a smartphone for processing power. According to the patent application, written in Korean and translated by SamMobile, the contact lenses would provide much better image quality than existing smart glasses, as well as being far less bulky and intrusive. [The Independent] Samsung Contact Lens patent image
US university in Scalia law school acronym blunder –
Officials at a US university were left red-faced after their decision to rename a law school after late Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia prompted hilarity over its unfortunate acronym. George Mason University in Virginia said its law school would be called the Antonin Scalia School of Law. The eagle-eyed immediately took to Twitter to point out that the acronym would be ASSoL. The university has since renamed it as the Antonin Scalia Law School. [BBC]
Beyonce sues over ‘Feyonce’ label –
Singer Beyonce is suing a US company to stop it from selling merchandise branded “Feyonce”. Texas firm Feyonce Inc sells clothing, and other items such as mugs with the label, on its website. The pop star claims the label is too near to her own trademarked name and confuses customers and fans and damages her reputation. The singer also claims in court papers filed in Manhattan that the company has ignored her requests to stop. Beyonce’s complaint accuses the San Antonio company, and three individuals, of “brazenly” selling the Feyonce-labelled merchandise. [BBC] Beyonce_Knowles
Video of the Day –
50 ft Flamethrower in 4K Slow Motion – The Slow Mo Guys
Deadly floods hit Ethiopia, leaving at least 28 people dead as seasonal rains come early to the country. The majority of these deaths occurred in the city of Jijiga while elsewhere, heavy downpours of rain were reported with more floods expected in the next few days. (Al Jazeera)
The results, while not official yet, show voters solidly rejecting the approval of the Association Agreement with 61.1 percent and turnout reaching over the 30 percent threshold for the referendum to be valid. (Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty)
Bryan Adams cancels Mississippi concert over new religious law –
Bryan Adams has cancelled a concert in Mississippi over the US state’s new controversial religious liberty law. The law, which allows some private businesses and religious groups to refuse service to gay people, was passed last week. The singer issued a statement saying he could not “in good conscience” perform in the state. He added he found it “incomprehensible that LGBT citizens are being discriminated against”. He was due to play the Mississippi Coast Coliseum in Biloxi on Thursday. Adams’s cancellation comes after Bruce Springsteen cancelled a show in North Carolina last week because of a new law in that state. [BBC] Bryan Adams
Clashes and air strikes are reported in Yemen despite a fragile truce between the government and Houthis taking effect. However, the truce appears to be largely holding as members from the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement are granted unhindered access to give humanitarian aid and personnel across the country. (BBC)
Ismail Ould Cheikh Ahmed, the United Nations special envoy for Yemen, says he welcomes the tentative truce that started at midnight Yemen time. The truce opens unhindered access for relief aid to all of Yemen. Peace talks are set to start later this month. (Reuters)
Voting for a referendum begins in Darfur, Sudan. Voters will be asked during the three-day referendum to decide on the permanent administrative status of the region. The choices are for the creation of a Darfur Region composed of the States of Darfur, or the retention of the status quo states system. Darfur is currently divided into five states. Voters will decide this week whether the area should go back to being one region, as it was until 1994. However, there are fears of voter apathy and if the referendum will be credible. (Al Jazeera)
The President of the Georgian breakaway state of South OssetiaLeonid Tibilov announces his plan to hold a referendum on whether to become part of Russia or to keep its de facto independence before August of this year. This comes after South Ossetia signed various agreements further integrating the region with Russia. (TASS)